Dream boards

After a full day of doing very little, I just had to stand up and get moving. A short walk from the sofa to the study. A good 30 paces.....at least...phew. Normally I have a very hard time sitting still...I do like to stay busy. Just not today. Although I was feeling under the weather....
I woke up just feeling like the stars were aligned, the universe smiling down on me.
Oh yeah...don't ya love those days?? That always leads
to phoning or texting dear friends and family members with words of appreciation, inspiration,
and genuine affection. A little ironic really, in light of the fact that 2 days ago I was having thoughts that made me question if Munchausen by proxy was a probability....except I have no desire for attention from Doctors (unless it is that deelishus Dr. Travis...A former bachelor on the ABC show). Therefore the visions of strangling my bickering children were just typical for a stressed out mom....right? Yeah..well...don't judge me. Moving on.....
Feeling empowered, I went from sitting on the sofa, to sprawling on the floor with my "dream board". I cut out affirmations, photos of places I plan to visit, goals I want to achieve,
even clips of little (and not so little) objects I hope to own. I am strong, capable, willing and able
to make things happen for myself. The time has come....life is short...no more delays or excuses. I'm not thirty anymore...just don't tell Dr. Travis.

Hormones and Harrassment

Motherhood...something I longed for. Imagining as a little girl tending to my baby dolls, what fun it would be to dress them up, play with them, give fun bubble baths...etc. All the while, never thinking beyond them being anything but content, laughing, agreeable beings. I was fortunate that all three of my children were truly happy babies, rarely ill. It is quite amazing that any of them learned to walk early, as they were hardly ever put down to try. Precious, cuddly, adoring little children. I felt so empowered. I knew my way, instinctively and confidently. Motherhood felt like a perfect fit....never a doubt it was a role I was meant to play. Looking at the frustrated, frazzled moms with puzzlement, and very little empathy. My days were filled with such joy, and
sweet fulfillment. I would have birthed many more, had my husband agreed.

Fast forward to present day. Two teenagers, and one not far behind. The instinct...the confidence...only a fading memory. While it is grand to have them be older, sharing similar
interests, playing adult board games, laughing at the same lines/scenes in movies or t.v. shows, the mood can turn on a dime....and it is freakin' frightening!! I see them plotting, whispering, watching. Like a pack of wolves that have picked up the scent of some unsuspecting quarry.
Within 3 minutes, the attitude can switch from happy to huffy, sweet to spiteful...Who are these people living in my house?? How could that prideful instinct turn to anxiety-ridden trembling fingers phoning the nearest therapist?
So, to all of the ghosts of mama's past...I'm so sorry for my lack of empathy!! I don't have any idea what I am doing! I will admit there are times I just need (desperately) quiet...and my line has always been "I just need some peace!", to which my 13 year old recently followed me....like a little dog nipping at my heels...repeatedly saying "Mommy....(with an extreme whine, I might add) I just need some peas...Mommy, I just need some peas...." Sigh...
While I did chuckle...it was more due to the knowledge that the Xanax was just a few short steps away.
Ah yes....even so....I do remember the days I was adored....so long, long ago.

conformity

There are those times, that perhaps are due to my bouts of insomnia, that sprouts great reflection on the choices that I have made in my life. Wondering how many of the choices that
I have made, or will continue to make, are what I want or need, or simply what I feel is expected
of me. Not only from family and friends, but myself. How much of it is from what we are taught
is acceptable, what is desirable, what is taboo, what is sinful, what is unforgivable (heard that one quite a bit), what is important. How different our perspective would be in our adult lives depending on what rhetoric was heard as children. While I recognize, being in the place am at this time, is due to a series of personal choices....I also see that I have a propensity for conformity. Structure, multiple lists, organization, planning, follow through...all very responsible
adult actions. All the while, my inner bohemian is craving emancipation. Longing for a life away
from television (although....I would miss 'The Office'), set dinner times, and scheduled activities.
To coexist in a place of truth....allowing frailties, frustrations, kindness...and most of all, freedom from hypocrisy and pretense. I knew I should have been an artist...it would give me an excuse to have multiple housemates, and daily alfresco dinners. How delightful.

A special day

There is nothing that I love more than being a mom. When Mother's Day comes around every year, I just can't help but feel so incredibly thankful. Thankful, and grateful feelings that lead to moments of lip quivering, sniffling, weepy, blubbering "I Luuuuv youuuuuu's", then on to "I luuu-huu-huuuuuvvvv youuuuuu soooo muuuuuch." My sweet children just sigh heavily, and give big doses of hugs
and kisses.
I just can't help it. While being a family brings with it many trials and tribulations,
the joys always outweigh the burdens. This is one of those days that is a reminder
of what gifts are present each and every day.
Now, my kids would tell me to be real about this whole thing...alright....so be it.
Let's get real. I don't wait to see if my husband and children will remember that Mother's Day is soon...I remind them all at least every other day for a full week before. I even go so far as to make specific gift requests. My husband's comment was "Why are you telling me this?? you're not MY mother." Well, now....that could be why I tend to dream that I am Clint Eastwood, toothpick in mouth....gritting teeth, with the ever present 45 magnum...while uttering the line "Do you feel lucky?....now do ya.....punk??" Ahhh, yes....that does
bring a smile to my face.
After birthing three good sized babies, my bladder isn't what is used to be. Although, I do have a friend that said I am like a camel compared to her on how long I can wait between potty breaks. It's not much, but I will take that as I have
something on another woman! The tummy is no longer firm, the "girls" are now
not quite where they used to be, and after one weekend of going green long before it was stylish...by using cloth diapers....I now refuse to babysit any child that is not
swathed in plastic. The truth is....I deserve a day of being recognized, loved, pampered... plus gifts! However, I will take the sweet homemade cards and gifts anyday over anything purchased. Oh boy....here they come again.
As I type this with tears in my eyes, I can hear my daughter impatiently calling
"Mommmmmmeeeeeeee!! I neeeed the compuuuuuter!!!!".
Oh well...the sweetness was good while it lasted!

kids and cats

Funny, when I step back from my life...and look at it from outside observers standpoint, I realize that as odd as our daily family life seems to me...to someone else, it must seem downright freaky.
For example, our sleeping arrangements. My husband sleeps on the couch. Mainly because his snoring would surely cause an avalanche if he was placed on a mountain
ledge. Partly, he choose to sleep there due to waking with me baring my bicuspids with a snarling sneer while white knuckling a pillow over him. Would I have really done him in you wonder?? Why.......yes. Yes, I would..............................................................................ahhhhh, yes....to have quiet uninterrupted dreams. A woman should only have to take so much, ya know??
My children have now entered the stage of their lives that at times is so fun, and at
other times, brings out other homicidal tendencies in me. I must not realize that my voice becomes completely muted when I think I am communicating with the children. I can ask for messes to be picked up, homework be completed, laundry to be folded...and there isn't a flinch, a blink, a single movement that shows words were uttered. Hmmmm....how interesting. However, a soda can be opened, a candy wrapper ever-so-gently handled, and suddenly they have superhuman hearing that could detect a mouse tooting fifty feet away.
Then there's our pets. They are loved much, spoiled rotten, and overfed. We recently listed our house for sale, and it is cleaner than it has been in months.
Not that I really think my pets have conspired with my children to do evil deeds against their mother, but actions do speak louder than words. One of the cats
is a picky eater, and likes cat treats over the moist food. If he does not finish his treats, the other furry fatties in the house help themselves. Inevitably, the unnatural neon colors that the pet food industry places in the food for Lord knows what reason, ends up hurled in an arched projectile pattern on my white carpet. Most of the house is tile...but NOooo, they must make their way to the carpeted areas.
At this moment I am channeling the spirit of Rodney Dangerfield...."I tell ya, I get no respect....no respect at all!!"

Tea for One

After getting the children to school this morning, I decided to skip the Starbuck's visit, make
a pot of coffee and get busy doing some catch up chores from the weekend. I had a nice conversation with a cheerful friend, hung up the phone and felt like an antonym of her after
a long sleepless night.
I caught a glimpse of myself while passing the dresser mirror. I actually said out loud "Now THAT is coyote ugly".....followed by "Dang". Boy...the truth hurts. Hair in a low twisted
ponytail...after having a new haircut and highlights that I feel (when I wear my glasses) makes
me look way too much like Gloria Steinem. Sans makeup, baggie sweats, and slouchy socks.
OOoooooh yeah...pure glamour. I thought, wait a minute, I love dressing up....who says I have to look like this for a day at home?? Put the mug down, threw off the paint covered sweats (yet another charming detail in the ensemble), wiggled into a pretty dress,
slid on some sassy high heels, the makeup (wow....what a difference a little paint and spackle does make), and brushed out the new 'do. I felt myself stand taller, a new swing in the step, and
proceeded to put the remaining coffee into one of my pretty china cups. Next, the ipod went
on to my twenty favorite songs...which includes everything from Andrea Bocelli to Velvet Revolver, and proceeded to fold clothes and dust my house. Granted...not practical in many
ways, but this housewife sure did feel better about myself...even if my feet hurt in the process.

Looking for the sweet things

April brings with it such delightful things. Such as watching the little eggs of our nesting
bluebird hatch. The 5 eggs that had resembled blue peanut m&m's, are now tiny chirping fluffballs. They wait quietly while their mother ventures off for the next meal. All the while, the
daddy bluebird keeps close watch over his young. It is a sweet and tender sight to behold.
Only two weeks from the time they hatch to when they will be ready to fly away. I think to myself..."Poor little mama....too short of a time to spend with your babies."
Then, as I hear my own offspring begin to argue in the background....it brings a smile to my face as I think of a funny quote..."God gives us children, so death doesn't come as such a disappointment." Of course that's not what I feel. However...replace the word "children" with
"a spouse".....................(just kidding...)
I relish the cool breezes...the serene rustling sound as it blows through the fresh peridot colored leaves. Closing my eyes to take in a long breath, the air seems to reach more deeply into my lungs, and I feel a sense of peace.
The scent of gardenia and roses, brings fond childhood memories of family dinners on the patio.
Wonderful platters of passed down recipes. Strange how thoughts of fried chicken (proper pan-fried buttermilk chicken...thank you very much) and chow chow can evoke strong emotions.
I will enjoy the spring, and do my best to focus on the simple pleasures that surround me.

famiglia

My family had planned on taking a trip this past weekend, but with a drastic change in temps...
from the 80's to 40's, we had a change of heart.
I'll take a sundress over a sweater any day! Even with daily alterations to what had been on the
agenda, it somehow came together without any whining or whimpering.
Today, we had another change in plans
due to rain. My son wanted to make homemade buttermilk biscuits. Well...you don't have to twist my arm to bake in the kitchen. We ate a big breakfast, and got busy doing some
spring cleaning. We were like a fine tuned machine...working together, helping one another.
For whatever reason, we pretended to speak with italian accents. Rolling r's and using
emphatic hand gestures. My son heard all day how crrrrrrazy he was..."such a crrrrazy boy-a" We were absolutely cracking each other up!
I found an opportunity to play a little joke on the unsuspecting children. While removing
the feather trim from some lampshades (eww, I know...I used to think it looked pretty),
I thought....hmmmm, this will be good. The copper and black colored feathers resembled a
crumpled up hawk that had met a violent end. I noticed the house was rather hushed, so my evil
plan took shape. I quietly closed the door, then pulled up the blinds...opened a window, and
wildly bumped and banged around the room while making a few convincing squeals. One of my
daughters (apparently the only child of mine that felt concern) came running. "WHAT WAS THAT??!!" she yelled while flinging open the door. I was waiting panting with untamed hair.
"Oh my gosh...this bird flew in....and....and....AND..." then she spotted the feathers.
"OHHHH NOOOOO!!!! The poooor birdy!!!!" then just as quick realized what it was, and
what a roaring laugh we had (after shoving me I might add). She then ran to tell the others to come see what was in my room, and she gave them the same story!
Strange how a rainy day of cleaning can turn into a sweet bonding experience. The hugs were full of extra squeeze tonight.

Freaky Friday

Life was as usual yesterday. Nothing out of the ordinary, except for receiving something delightful from a friend for my garden.
The alarm went off bright and early, with an old Glen Campbell song "Witchita Lineman"
playing (I do like the tune...but what the heck is that lineman still doing on the line??).
Sat up to turn off the radio, and felt a searing pain. Well...that's weird. I felt great last night,
slept pretty well...what's this? I thought I could just push through the discomfort, but it
increased to the point I became nauseous. Put a call in to the Dr., and she said those could be symptoms of a heart attack. Well for heaven's sake, I don't have time for this!! I went to an
emergency care clinic, and they felt I needed an E.K.G. and CAT scan. Are you serious?
So from there, on to the E.R. I felt crummy, but the folks in the waiting
room looked like they were in the first phase of becoming zombies. Pale, hunkered
over, and persistent moaning. 3 E.K.G's, xrays, and multiple blood draws later....I waited (in
a whole lotta pain mind you) for 3 more hours. When the results came in, I was placed in a private room. Gawwwwd....more waiting. In walks a Dr. with hands that had seen a recent
manicure...the nails were a bit too shiny for my taste. He pulled up one of those little rolling
stools, so close that our knees were touching, and his eyes were not 5 inches from my face.
Alrighty then. He looked me in the eye, and asks "Do you want to tell me how this happened?"
Um...what the heck??? Honestly, I wondered if he was with the wrong patient.
I asked about the E.K.G's (all was relatively normal) then he asks me again "How do you
think this happened? Impatiently I asked "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
Get this....no heart trouble, I have a broken rib! NO idea how it could have occurred.
Good thing the hubby has been behaving himself lately...I could have caused him some
serious trouble. Believe me....there have been times I would have considered throwing my
head back in a dramatic way, sighed heavily, and said with a southern drawl "OOOOhhh Docta...why you just don't know the trouble I've seeen....Lawwwwd have merrrcy...(then depending on the looks of the Dr. place his hand on my breast)...why feel my poor little heart beating with sorrow....my husband does hurt me sooo." Tee hee.
Now I have an answer to the pain, and the prescription is a little TLC from the family, and
a darn good excuse to take it easy this weekend.

Lent...'tis the season

40 days doesn't seem like a very long time. There are plenty of things that can go without
my attention for 40 days. Weeding, ironing, cleaning the carpets, washing the windows,
even dusting....wouldn't miss doing any of those things. The thing is, giving up those chores
(as if I do them anyway) isn't a sacrifice. I had to think of something that would be difficult to stick with, and that would also honor my family and God by giving it up. Hmmm....what should it be?? Can't give up sweets....tried the Atkins diet years ago, and I had severe sugar withdrawal
headaches. May-jah headaches, which put me in the kind of mood that wouldn't honor anyone.
Besides, my sweet tea is a family favorite....it would be sorely missed.
After much contemplating...they choice was made. Let me tell ya...it'a biggie for me.
No computer until my children are in bed. Notta. I can waste time like no one when it comes to
getting online. Checking email, seeing what's going on in the world on CNN, gossip
websites, other blogs, recipes, garden websites...before I know it...2-3 hours have passed.
Which wouldn't seem so bad if my house were clean, laundry folded, dinner made, etc.
I can do this! I honestly don't miss the computer when we travel, or even when we are busy
as a family, so how bad can it be. Well....here I am, one day in....and it is BAD! What was I thinking?? This thing is like a magnet...a seductress...beckoning me to come closer....after all....
no one will know....the kids are at school....the hubby at work. A little alteration to the plan
wouldn't hurt...just two (or three) 5 minute check-ins during the day. When the kids get home, no more until they are tucked in. Much more reasonable, right? I have to believe God is merciful...He has certainly shown that over my lifetime. This was part of my 5 minutes...time
is up. Just 39 days to go....be strong!

Annual visit

After going for the annual well woman check, the mammogram was scheduled. I was quite
nervous, as there was a lump present. That big question "What if?" loomed in my mind for the two weeks of waiting. The nerves didn't really hit until the evening prior to the appointment.
Wondering if my life would be different at the end of the following day. The Dr. had even provided a list of local surgeons she recommended, in case a biopsy or more was necessary.
I arrived a bit early for the paperwork, and waited for my name to come up. After 40 minutes,
it was my turn.
Sigh...here goes. I thought I knew what to expect, as I had been down this road before.
The nurse was friendly, good thing, considering she manhandles and manipulates the
"girls" into submission. Oh, I almost forgot, the cute little nipple stickers that go on first. Like little unattractive pasties...what, no tassels? Down came the glass plate....down, down, down.
For Pete's sake, how low can this thing go? Holding my breath, and wincing in discomfort, I hesitantly took a look at what the shape of "things" were. OMG!! The only way to describe what I saw, well...picture this....a rolled out slab of silly putty. I thought, "Good gosh, will it ever regain it's shape again?!". Thankfully, somehow it did...they both did.
Best of all, the Dr. compared films, and the lump is simply a rogue lymphnode.

young 'uns

One of my favorite things is going to see scary movies. Not gory, mind you, but suspenseful...sitting on the edge of your seat kinda movies, with at least one big surprise
that brings out a good scream. Two of my friends are my scary movie buddies, one is a
bit of a lightweight. She tends to jump and flinch quite a bit...but won't admit it (that's right,
I've got your number M!). While my other friend (who when we first met, I was sure she
could easily, and would have enjoyed, kicking my fanny) can handle watching real screamer kind of movies alone. It is a skill I have yet to master. She can be a tough cookie....but now I know what a softie she is. We now laugh about me being slightly fearful of her...as she has heard the same story from others! Funny the perceptions we women form of one another. How wrong
first impressions can be.
Now, the last scary movie we went to see was "The Uninvited". Big mistake going to see
it on a Friday night, much less Friday the 13th. Every pre-teen and teenager from surrounding towns was in attendance. Apparently due to the movie "Friday the 13th" being sold out. While I do not take issue with loud social visiting during the previews, once the lights are dimmed and the movie begins...zip up. Ya know what I'm sayin'?? We all remember the class
clown...that irritating little dingbat that searched for acceptance by throwing about what they
thought were clever quips. Seemingly, the whole audience was full of them. I suppose the
darkness brings out the brave inner cretin, but let me "speak" for all the other quiet, respectful
movie watchers. We don't want to hear your half-witted, vacuous, lowbrow narration! huff huff huff huff huff huff huff huff...exhale....sigh.
In spite of all the interruptions, we still had a great time, and look forward to the next
fright night....just not on a Friday.

Weekend warrior

What a productive weekend! A sweet Valentine's day with the family, completed that
lingering project (hallelujah), cleaned and organized 2 of the children's closets, moved furniture
from one room to another, planted the window boxes (gor-jus!), went on a bike ride, helped with homework, ordered pizza, and just sat my tired self down. Sigh....I feel guuud. It was another
beautiful day...one of those days when I even feel like hugging the UPS man. Let me tell ya,
if you saw him...you would too! Ummm ummm...whatta man. I do luv men....ahem...
especially my husband. I do, however, have a great appreciation (from afar of course) for
God's grand creations. Russell Crowe (um, golly), George Clooney (oh mercy), Brian Dennehy
(strange, I know...but that big 'ol bear of a man...raarrrr), oh! and Wolverine (a.k.a Hugh Jackman), so angry and fierce.....I could tame him mate! Phew, lost my train of thought.

Point being...this has been one of those weekends that I just feel so blessed to be in the place
that I am. Off to look at those clean closets...again.

The Robins are coming, the Robins are coming!!

This was my day to complete a project...a project that has been waiting in the wings for quite
a while. I cleared my calendar (except for meeting a friend for another mocha...which I might add...had skim milk, which made the addition of the whipped cream seem acceptable), and had every intention of making it a working day. But, ya know....things happen. It was a glorious day!
Clear and crisp. After making a few Valentines day purchases....the garden centers beckoned.
After convincing myself it would be a waste of a beautiful day, a sin....really, to be inside working, and that an all-nighter would make more sense (yeah I know....whatever), I had to go.
Fellow gardeners understand....right? There is a kinship among those of us that love to get dirty
(watch it now....we are talking about gardening) Upon crossing the nursery
threshold, behold....you are instantly in the company of friends. We share tips, talk about which flowers to avoid planting in our climate, which ones flourish, suggest the best nurseries to find heirloom flowers and roses....and why on earth the garden centers continue to order plants that tend to perish easily in our heat. Sound dull?? Well, I just love it!
The exquisite colors, the intricacy of the blooms, the hypnotic scents...it is simply delightful.
Well...off to plant my bonny bloomers (hey now...still talking gardening)

If I could just go back......

While waiting in line to check out this afternoon, I couldn't help but take note of a pretty woman in front of me. Tall, thin, and oh-so young. Funny how easy it is to dislike someone that you
don't even know, eh?? I remember young...and firm. The thing is, when I was young and
single, I was terribly insecure. I had a flat stomach, firm thighs, thin arms...and was too
dumb to appreciate it. Now here I am in mid-life (Lawwwwd have mercy), with what I refer to as a "mocha muffin" in my mid-section....due to having at least 3 decadent white chocolate mocha's every week (yum), the thighs have a layer of...well, let's call it textured padding, the arms now have small flags that wave in the wind...and after having children, my belly button
is permanently winking. The thing is, I feel better about myself now than I ever have before.
Not that I wouldn't like the body I had at 25 back....boy would I have fun....wow....let me dwell
on that thought for a few...................................................yowsa............okay, back to reality.
It is nice to have supportive friends, without all the drama and competition that came with young womanhood. I don't mind the few
white hairs that are appearing (except the ones on the chin....eww....I do have a designated "tweezer" friend in case of coma or paralyzation), and I will take the crow's feet...I've earned them. Thankfully, most of my lines are from laughing with my sweet children and good
girlfriends.

and so it begins....

Well....this is strange...putting my thoughts out there in blogger land. It is easy to send off those emails, make daily phone calls, and talk incessantly to my friends. This is a new adventure.

I am a night owl, even though I would like to be a morning person....having time to myself after
the house is quiet is a lovely thing. I take pride in being from the South. I love being a mom, more than anything. I do miss my children being small...and if I could do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat. Someone is on
a soapbox in this house at least 2-3 times a day, we are talkin' dah-raaaah-maa.
It is noise filled home, but mostly with laughter. I have delightful friends, that
bring great joy to my life. I have a strong faith in God, and love my church.
Be warned, I have a fiesty sense of humor. If there is a typical church lady....it isn't me.