The darker the berry.....

The darker the berry.....the sweeter the juice. An old saying that is oh so true. A fresh, ripe blackberry with plump druplets is simple, delightful and delicious.
Waking early to a beautiful day, I dressed to go berry picking. To my surprise, my husband joined me. It's not usually something he takes part in, but he knows it is something I look forward to every year. Feeling so close to nature, hearing the birds, feeling the cool grass under foot....being present....and aware of nature's bounty. Walking quietly and contentedly together toward the carpet of purple, I notice the heat on my skin, the air enters my lungs and seems to go deeper with the warmth, the breeze in my hair whistles past my ears feeling like a gentle nuzzle. It is a gift, that is there for anyone willing to take it. I think to myself, the wind doesn't care if my skin is aging, the sun doesn't mind that my figure isn't what it used to be, the blooming flowers have no preference as to who is enjoying their scent or beauty, I am a tourist in a wonderland, and I feel thankful to be here.
Once home, I take stock of our lives, and our time. Realizing how much of our days are taken up with extras. Problem is, what I become aware of that needs to change, is not what my children see. Too much time on the computer, the i-touch, the cell phones, the television, video games, etc. So what was a sense of peace and harmony.....has now turned into a highly charged emotional arena. Taking my stand as a mother (which ain't easy!), and putting limits on gadget use, plus hiding a certain video game that....without pointing fingers....the other "parental unit" chose to bring into our home, and insisting (sometimes it comes to that) that every man, woman and child will spend quality time together as a family.
Low and behold, everyone "unplugged" and spent a fun and involved afternoon together....full of silliness and laughter.
So, while there may be a few battles ahead over everything electronic, I have no doubt that mama will win the war.

Clearing the clutter

No, I'm not talking about the house....although, there is clutter aplenty in any given drawer or door within. (yes, I am working on that)
The reference is to what is taking up too much space in my mind and spirit. With Spring here officially as of tomorrow, it's time to take stock. Clear the cobwebs and dust bunnies (a.k.a. doubt, fear, procrastination,excuses)...and make space for clean, clear, purpose and intent.
It really seems as simple as mind over matter, just making the choice and moving forward.
After all, it's certainly easy to spot in other people what they need to improve. But who knows, what I think could or should change, may not be anywhere on their "radar screen" as an issue.
(NOT that I am a judgmental person....really....just keen observer!)
After all, most people seem relatively content with their ways.....we are creatures of habit.
I do wonder, if as many things I see that need improvement, or even complete renovation....am I really able to recognize what is holding me back from achieving all I hope to within this lifetime? Not that there is a vast list....but the pining for similar actions and results as 20 years ago is still present. Success is different to everyone. As of now, I am venturing into a new little business. No respite or hesitation, no fear. Aw...who am I kidding? I am scared...but determined. For today...that's good enough to make a little progress.

Dream boards

After a full day of doing very little, I just had to stand up and get moving. A short walk from the sofa to the study. A good 30 paces.....at least...phew. Normally I have a very hard time sitting still...I do like to stay busy. Just not today. Although I was feeling under the weather....
I woke up just feeling like the stars were aligned, the universe smiling down on me.
Oh yeah...don't ya love those days?? That always leads
to phoning or texting dear friends and family members with words of appreciation, inspiration,
and genuine affection. A little ironic really, in light of the fact that 2 days ago I was having thoughts that made me question if Munchausen by proxy was a probability....except I have no desire for attention from Doctors (unless it is that deelishus Dr. Travis...A former bachelor on the ABC show). Therefore the visions of strangling my bickering children were just typical for a stressed out mom....right? Yeah..well...don't judge me. Moving on.....
Feeling empowered, I went from sitting on the sofa, to sprawling on the floor with my "dream board". I cut out affirmations, photos of places I plan to visit, goals I want to achieve,
even clips of little (and not so little) objects I hope to own. I am strong, capable, willing and able
to make things happen for myself. The time has come....life is short...no more delays or excuses. I'm not thirty anymore...just don't tell Dr. Travis.

Hormones and Harrassment

Motherhood...something I longed for. Imagining as a little girl tending to my baby dolls, what fun it would be to dress them up, play with them, give fun bubble baths...etc. All the while, never thinking beyond them being anything but content, laughing, agreeable beings. I was fortunate that all three of my children were truly happy babies, rarely ill. It is quite amazing that any of them learned to walk early, as they were hardly ever put down to try. Precious, cuddly, adoring little children. I felt so empowered. I knew my way, instinctively and confidently. Motherhood felt like a perfect fit....never a doubt it was a role I was meant to play. Looking at the frustrated, frazzled moms with puzzlement, and very little empathy. My days were filled with such joy, and
sweet fulfillment. I would have birthed many more, had my husband agreed.

Fast forward to present day. Two teenagers, and one not far behind. The instinct...the confidence...only a fading memory. While it is grand to have them be older, sharing similar
interests, playing adult board games, laughing at the same lines/scenes in movies or t.v. shows, the mood can turn on a dime....and it is freakin' frightening!! I see them plotting, whispering, watching. Like a pack of wolves that have picked up the scent of some unsuspecting quarry.
Within 3 minutes, the attitude can switch from happy to huffy, sweet to spiteful...Who are these people living in my house?? How could that prideful instinct turn to anxiety-ridden trembling fingers phoning the nearest therapist?
So, to all of the ghosts of mama's past...I'm so sorry for my lack of empathy!! I don't have any idea what I am doing! I will admit there are times I just need (desperately) quiet...and my line has always been "I just need some peace!", to which my 13 year old recently followed me....like a little dog nipping at my heels...repeatedly saying "Mommy....(with an extreme whine, I might add) I just need some peas...Mommy, I just need some peas...." Sigh...
While I did chuckle...it was more due to the knowledge that the Xanax was just a few short steps away.
Ah yes....even so....I do remember the days I was adored....so long, long ago.

conformity

There are those times, that perhaps are due to my bouts of insomnia, that sprouts great reflection on the choices that I have made in my life. Wondering how many of the choices that
I have made, or will continue to make, are what I want or need, or simply what I feel is expected
of me. Not only from family and friends, but myself. How much of it is from what we are taught
is acceptable, what is desirable, what is taboo, what is sinful, what is unforgivable (heard that one quite a bit), what is important. How different our perspective would be in our adult lives depending on what rhetoric was heard as children. While I recognize, being in the place am at this time, is due to a series of personal choices....I also see that I have a propensity for conformity. Structure, multiple lists, organization, planning, follow through...all very responsible
adult actions. All the while, my inner bohemian is craving emancipation. Longing for a life away
from television (although....I would miss 'The Office'), set dinner times, and scheduled activities.
To coexist in a place of truth....allowing frailties, frustrations, kindness...and most of all, freedom from hypocrisy and pretense. I knew I should have been an artist...it would give me an excuse to have multiple housemates, and daily alfresco dinners. How delightful.

A special day

There is nothing that I love more than being a mom. When Mother's Day comes around every year, I just can't help but feel so incredibly thankful. Thankful, and grateful feelings that lead to moments of lip quivering, sniffling, weepy, blubbering "I Luuuuv youuuuuu's", then on to "I luuu-huu-huuuuuvvvv youuuuuu soooo muuuuuch." My sweet children just sigh heavily, and give big doses of hugs
and kisses.
I just can't help it. While being a family brings with it many trials and tribulations,
the joys always outweigh the burdens. This is one of those days that is a reminder
of what gifts are present each and every day.
Now, my kids would tell me to be real about this whole thing...alright....so be it.
Let's get real. I don't wait to see if my husband and children will remember that Mother's Day is soon...I remind them all at least every other day for a full week before. I even go so far as to make specific gift requests. My husband's comment was "Why are you telling me this?? you're not MY mother." Well, now....that could be why I tend to dream that I am Clint Eastwood, toothpick in mouth....gritting teeth, with the ever present 45 magnum...while uttering the line "Do you feel lucky?....now do ya.....punk??" Ahhh, yes....that does
bring a smile to my face.
After birthing three good sized babies, my bladder isn't what is used to be. Although, I do have a friend that said I am like a camel compared to her on how long I can wait between potty breaks. It's not much, but I will take that as I have
something on another woman! The tummy is no longer firm, the "girls" are now
not quite where they used to be, and after one weekend of going green long before it was stylish...by using cloth diapers....I now refuse to babysit any child that is not
swathed in plastic. The truth is....I deserve a day of being recognized, loved, pampered... plus gifts! However, I will take the sweet homemade cards and gifts anyday over anything purchased. Oh boy....here they come again.
As I type this with tears in my eyes, I can hear my daughter impatiently calling
"Mommmmmmeeeeeeee!! I neeeed the compuuuuuter!!!!".
Oh well...the sweetness was good while it lasted!

kids and cats

Funny, when I step back from my life...and look at it from outside observers standpoint, I realize that as odd as our daily family life seems to me...to someone else, it must seem downright freaky.
For example, our sleeping arrangements. My husband sleeps on the couch. Mainly because his snoring would surely cause an avalanche if he was placed on a mountain
ledge. Partly, he choose to sleep there due to waking with me baring my bicuspids with a snarling sneer while white knuckling a pillow over him. Would I have really done him in you wonder?? Why.......yes. Yes, I would..............................................................................ahhhhh, yes....to have quiet uninterrupted dreams. A woman should only have to take so much, ya know??
My children have now entered the stage of their lives that at times is so fun, and at
other times, brings out other homicidal tendencies in me. I must not realize that my voice becomes completely muted when I think I am communicating with the children. I can ask for messes to be picked up, homework be completed, laundry to be folded...and there isn't a flinch, a blink, a single movement that shows words were uttered. Hmmmm....how interesting. However, a soda can be opened, a candy wrapper ever-so-gently handled, and suddenly they have superhuman hearing that could detect a mouse tooting fifty feet away.
Then there's our pets. They are loved much, spoiled rotten, and overfed. We recently listed our house for sale, and it is cleaner than it has been in months.
Not that I really think my pets have conspired with my children to do evil deeds against their mother, but actions do speak louder than words. One of the cats
is a picky eater, and likes cat treats over the moist food. If he does not finish his treats, the other furry fatties in the house help themselves. Inevitably, the unnatural neon colors that the pet food industry places in the food for Lord knows what reason, ends up hurled in an arched projectile pattern on my white carpet. Most of the house is tile...but NOooo, they must make their way to the carpeted areas.
At this moment I am channeling the spirit of Rodney Dangerfield...."I tell ya, I get no respect....no respect at all!!"