Hormones and Harrassment

Motherhood...something I longed for. Imagining as a little girl tending to my baby dolls, what fun it would be to dress them up, play with them, give fun bubble baths...etc. All the while, never thinking beyond them being anything but content, laughing, agreeable beings. I was fortunate that all three of my children were truly happy babies, rarely ill. It is quite amazing that any of them learned to walk early, as they were hardly ever put down to try. Precious, cuddly, adoring little children. I felt so empowered. I knew my way, instinctively and confidently. Motherhood felt like a perfect fit....never a doubt it was a role I was meant to play. Looking at the frustrated, frazzled moms with puzzlement, and very little empathy. My days were filled with such joy, and
sweet fulfillment. I would have birthed many more, had my husband agreed.

Fast forward to present day. Two teenagers, and one not far behind. The instinct...the confidence...only a fading memory. While it is grand to have them be older, sharing similar
interests, playing adult board games, laughing at the same lines/scenes in movies or t.v. shows, the mood can turn on a dime....and it is freakin' frightening!! I see them plotting, whispering, watching. Like a pack of wolves that have picked up the scent of some unsuspecting quarry.
Within 3 minutes, the attitude can switch from happy to huffy, sweet to spiteful...Who are these people living in my house?? How could that prideful instinct turn to anxiety-ridden trembling fingers phoning the nearest therapist?
So, to all of the ghosts of mama's past...I'm so sorry for my lack of empathy!! I don't have any idea what I am doing! I will admit there are times I just need (desperately) quiet...and my line has always been "I just need some peace!", to which my 13 year old recently followed me....like a little dog nipping at my heels...repeatedly saying "Mommy....(with an extreme whine, I might add) I just need some peas...Mommy, I just need some peas...." Sigh...
While I did chuckle...it was more due to the knowledge that the Xanax was just a few short steps away.
Ah yes....even so....I do remember the days I was adored....so long, long ago.